The breaking of the broken

On the spiritual journey I've been on for many years there have been some amazing experiences I would never trade.  There have also been some terrible things, oddly enough I wouldn't trade those either.  So in some way the things that break us can bring more than just brokenness.  At least that is my experience.  You wouldn't think that this could be possible.  Jesus seemed to show in his death that ultimate breaking of the broken can have another result other than the one we would expect.  The end of the story there?  Resurrection.

The church & christians have been the primary source of breaking me down.  Disillusionment, in my opinion, really finds its way to all our doorsteps at some point in life.  For me the crash was hard.  I kept going outwardly but inside and when I was alone I was broken.  It was a darkness that was depressing.

In the process I began to question many things.  Of course in doing so I had a great deal of guilt for questioning the bible or a great deal of fear with ideas of thinking eternal conscious torment might not even be biblical, let alone reality.  Then to question the love of the church.  I felt horrible.  But the more I questioned the more I saw that questions could provide an even better foundation for my faith than answers.  That may sound strange but so does the breaking of the broken leading to resurrection.

I love the Phoenix and all the mythologies surrounding it.  The idea of it rising out of the ashes is beautiful.  After a long life it makes a nest and then the nest & bird combust into ashes.  Then out of the ashes arises a new Phoenix.

There is also a story in the Old Testament of a man named Jacob who wrested with God (or the angel of the Lord, however you view that).  You would think this would make God mad, instead God was quite impressed and changed his name to Israel.  The limp Jacob had the rest of his life was actually more a reminder of the fact that he didn't lose in the end, he held on.  It was a victory of sorts, but not in any conventional way.

So I think that brokenness can lead to resurrection.  I believe questions & walking through mysterious darkness lead us to light.  I think a phoenix can die and a new one can rise out of the ashes.  I think wrestling with God is okay, even if it leaves us with a limp.

There are so many leaving the church, or to put it better leaving the christians in those churches.  The church has attached itself to the Empire.  In a sense like the Hunger Games.  The churches are mostly in the capital.  I firmly believe though that Jesus is worth trusting.  I believe there was a creator.  I think there has been a huge disconnect from the reality of God and most people's perceptions of God.

We have two choices.  We can either be like Jacob and hold on for dear life or we can let go.  We can be like a normal bird who dies or like a phoenix who dies only to find a new phoenix rising out of the ashes.  We can either believe that the bible is clear and has all the answers or that it has more contradictions and mystery than anyone would care to admit making embracing mystery & asking questions a sign of holiness rather than heretic.  Finally we can either choose to stay down when broken, or we can rise as Jesus did.

See the keys.  Hold on.  New life.  Mystery is reality.  Questions are wise.

The breaking of the broken can lead to death when people give up.  It also has the possibility of resurrection when we hold on to Jesus.

I definitely have a few limps from life.  But as I'm limping into the future I have this hope & joy in the awe & wonder of the mystery of God that I never had when the journey started.